Classic Comedies:

Funniest Movie
Moments and Scenes


Title Screen
Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions

Jack and Jill (2011)

  • the scene of Jill Sadelstein (Adam Sandler dressed in drag) smashing Al Pacino's sole golden Oscar trophy during a game of pool - and 'her' apology: "Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I'm sure you have others, though"; Al Pacino (as Himself) quipped: "Ah, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't"
  • the so-called cringworthy "Dunkaccino" sequence at a Dunkin' Donuts shop, - an awful fake Dunkaccino coffee commercial starring Al Pacino (as Himself); he introduced himself: "It's not Al anymore, it's Dunk"; the acclaimed actor performed a Broadway-styled promo with a hip-hop beat, and terrible rhyming lyrics: "What's my name?...It's a whole new game....You want creamy goodness, I'm your friend, Say hello to my chocolate blend" (as he opened his coat lining to reveal a donut pattern)
  • further lyrics made reference to a number of his famous quotes from (Scarface (1983), Dog Day Afternoon (1975), Scent of a Woman (1992), ...And Justice for All (1979), The Godfather (1972), and The Godfather Part II (1974)): "Attica, Ho-Hah, Latte Light / This whole trial is outta sight / They pull me back in with Hazelnut Too / Caramel Swirl I know it was you / Everyone wants my Dunkaccino / Can't get enough of my Dunkaccino / Kids from seven to seventino / Linin' up for my Dunkaccino / What's my name? - Dunkaccino / A dunka dunka dunka dunka - Dunkaccino"
  • after viewing the commercial during the editing phase, Pacino gave his own evaluation: "Burn this...This must never be seen by anyone...All copies - destroy them!"

Jackass: The Movie (2002)

  • the scene of the prank called "golf course airhorn" - the sounding of a loud airhorn just as an unsuspecting golfer swung his/her club, to deliberately aggravate the player

Jaws (1975)

  • marine biologist and shark expert Matt Hooper's (Richard Dreyfuss) wordless mockery of shark-hating, salty and grizzled fisherman-hunter Quint (Robert Shaw) by sarcastically crushing a styrofoam cup after Quint crushed a beer can with one hand

The Jerk (1979)

  • the many dim-witted bumblings of the idiotic 'jerk' Navin R. Johnson (Steve Martin), such as in the opening when he avowed that he was born into a black family of poor sharecroppers: ("Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now, I only have two things: my friends and, uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? OK. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi... "); but then he learned on his birthday from his mother (Mabel King) that he would always stay a white color: ("Navin, you're not our natural-born child...You were left on our doorstep but we raised you like you were one of us...Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass")
  • Navin's excitement about finding his name in the new phone book: ("The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!...Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now")
  • the "He hates these cans" scene at the gas station, when an angry madman sniper (M. Emmet Walsh) was aiming at gas pumper attendant Navin ("Die MilkFace!"), but instead was missing and hitting a rack of motor oil cans on the station island. Navin called out: "Hey Harry. Look at this. What's the matter with these cans?...These cans, they're defective. They're springing leaks. Come over here and look at this"; when Harry alerted Navin: "Listen, you'd better run for cover or you're gonna spring a leak....We don't have defective cans. We have a defective person out there," Navin ignorantly shouted out: "He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans. I've got to get away from those cans! (He ran into a coke machine) There's cans in there, too! Run! Run! More cans!"; Harry again warned his dim-wit colleague: "He doesn't want to put holes in the cans. He wants to put holes in you!"
  • Navin's invention of the Opti-Grab for eyeglasses - a combination handle and nose-brace
  • his stint as a weight-guesser at a carnival: "For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex"
  • also, the scene of Navin's discovery of his "special purpose" (his penis) with daredevil biker Patty Bernstein (Catlin Adams) - when she propositioned him: "You know what I'd like to do?...Guess your weight...Put your arms up" - and then she began kneading his buttocks, causing him to get sexually excited; during sex as he lost his virginity, he exclaimed: "Hey, this is like a ride" as the trailer rocked back and forth; his Grandmother Johnson (Frances E. Williams) read Navin's letter about his deflowering experience: ("My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week, I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin")
  • his discussion with Marie Kimble Johnson (Bernadette Peters) while she slept: ("I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it")
  • the hilarious "That's All I Need" scene in which the heartbroken Navin described to Marie the only things he needed to take when leaving her - all trivial possessions, including an ashtray, a paddle game, the remote control, matches, a lamp and a chair, and a magazine: ("Well, I'm gonna go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff and I don't need you. I don't need anything -- except this, this ash tray, and that's the only thing I need is this! I don't need nothin' but this - just this ash tray, and this paddle game. The ash tray and the paddle game - and that's all I need, and this - the remote control. The ash tray, the paddle game and the remote control, that's all I need. And these matches. The ash tray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball. And this lamp. That's right. This paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too! I don't need one other thing. Not one - I need this - the paddle game and the chair and the remote control and the matches, for sure. Well, what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. That's all I need. The ash tray, the remote control, and this paddle game, and this magazine and the chair...I don't need one other thing, except my dog (the dog growled at him) I don't need my dog")
  • the scene of the demonstration of 'cat juggling' - Navin was first warned about the "ugly" and disgusting practice: "You will not believe what you are about to see, that human beings could have sunk so low that they can take pleasure to do this to another of God's creatures. I hope you have a strong stomach, senor"; when he was shown the projected black and white film (of himself with a black wig, and about to juggle three kittens), he cried out: "Good Lord. I've heard about this. Cat juggling. Stop it, stop it, stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?"

Johnny Dangerously (1984)

  • in this gangster comedy, the charges brought against 1930s crime boss Roman Troy Moronie (Richard Dimitri) by the courtroom judge: "The Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilation, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings"; defendant Moronie was then allowed to read a prepared statement (with malapropism of swear words) before questioning: "I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel. 'You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my fargin rights. This sum of a batching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens, like me, could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes, like yourselves'"

Jurassic Park (1993)

  • there were many off-handed, comical and sarcastic remarks made by hipster mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) during his tour of "Jurassic Park" populated with prehistoric dinosaurs, including his classic line: "That is one big pile of s--t!" on seeing a five foot pile of dinosaur dung
  • he also made a wisecrack after being rescued and then chased in a jeep by a rampaging T-Rex: "Do you think they'll have that on the tour?"

Dr. Malcolm: ("That is one big pile of s--t!")

The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

  • in the sketch titled: "The Wonderful World of Sex" (aka "Sex Record"), a black couple - Girl (Sharon Kaugh) and Boy (Jack Baker) - were experiencing awkwardness during sex as they approached "the conjugal bed," including the frequent problem of premature ejaculation; The Joy of Sex album promised that it came equipped with the saving appearance of "Big Jim Slade" (Manuel Perry) - and he suddenly walked in on the couple
  • the parody of sexploitation films titled "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble" (big-busted Uschi Digard was credited as the character "Woman in Shower") - as a male rubbed the female's large breasts, the sound effects were like the squeaky rubbing of a balloon; a narrator announced: "More offensive than Mandingo. More shocking than Behind the Green Door. More erotic than Deep Throat. You will cream in your jeans when you see Catholic High School Girls in Trouble..."

The Kid Stays in the Picture (2002)

  • the 1976 out-take footage during the end credits - of Dustin Hoffman doing an unscripted, impromptu impersonation of Robert Evans giving a 1996 President-Elect acceptance speech on the set of Marathon Man (1976) ("...By the way, I wanna say I want to thank you very much for listening. And I wanna say that, that uhm, I wish all of you a healthy life, because my life is over. And I was just gonna ask one favor. President Warren Beatty has asked me to ask your vote again, and I ask you to do it, just for me, just for me. Because he has some terrible scandal on me, and I don't want to get up. And I'm afraid he's gonna tell it. And it's very embarrassing to me. So please vote for Warren Beatty for his second term for President. And I wish you a good evening, and...")

Kingpin (1996)

  • the scene of broke, down-and-out, middle-aged ex-bowling star Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) trying to fool his wheezing landlady (Lin Shaye) into believing that he deserved to be given an extension on his rent; when she discovered his deception and he suggested: "There's gotta be some way I can work this off. Some way I can make it up to you" - suddenly she stopped resisting him, as the Simon & Garfunkel tune The Sounds of Silence was heard; he was forced to have sex with her to pay his rent
  • after the scene of sex (implied) with her, he was seen kneeling and puking into the toilet, and the decrepit old woman was smoking in bed and telling him: "Oh, stop it! It wasn't that bad. Oh, my little Roy toy. What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? I guess it's all that pumpin'. Pump and dump! (Roy puked) You really jarred something loose, tiger. (In a pose that resembled The Graduate (1967), she pulled her socks up over skinny, varicose-veined legs) Oh, boy! I've got two bits of advice for you, Munson. Number one, why don't you forget about this bowling business and get yourself a real job. (More puking) Two, you still owe me another month's rent, so if I were you, I would start doing some tongue exercises before Friday"; she made the sign of cunnilingus - her spread fingers in a V shape with her tongue wagging in between

Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

  • the scene in which six-year-old Billy Kramer (Justin Henry), son of separated-divorced parents, surprised a very naked Phyllis Bernard (JoBeth Williams) en route to the bathroom, as she stuttered while introducing herself: "I'm a friend, uh, business associate of your father's." The boy asked the embarrassed and flustered woman: "Do you like fried chicken?" Afterwards, she told the boy's father Ted (Dustin Hoffman) in the bedroom: "Kramer, I just met your son"

Kung Fu Hustle (2004, HK/China)

  • the failed knife-hurling assassination scene, when Sing (Stephen Chow) was teaching Bone (Tze Chung Lam), his chubby apprentice-sidekick, how to throw a knife and kill the Landlady of Pig Sty Alley (Qiu Yuen); when the apprentice took the knife and wound backwards, the knife blade stuck into Sing's right shoulder; during a second attempt, the knife blade went into Sing's right bicep, and the handle flew off and struck the Landlady in the mouth (she had a cigarette dangling from her lip and curlers in her hair) - she screamed out: "Who's throwing handles?"
  • next, Bone went to heave a cage full of snakes at her, but the top of the cage opened up, and the snakes dropped out all over Sing, as the sidekick nervously suggested another 'bright idea': "Don't panic. Snakes like music. If I whistle, they won't bite"; when Sing agreed ("Oh, what the hell!") and let out a whistle, two cobras bit him on the lip from opposite directions


L.A. Story (1991)

  • the film's opening voice-over, introducing Harris K. Telemacher (Steve Martin), as he was riding a stationary bike in a park, and paraphrasing from William Shakespeare's Richard II play: ("My name is Harris K. Telemacher. I live in Los Angeles, and I've had seven heart attacks, all imagined. That is to say, I was deeply unhappy but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time. I have a favorite quote about L.A. by William Shakespeare. He said: 'This other Eden, demi-paradise, this precious stone set in the silver sea of this earth, this ground, this Los Angeles. Anyway, this is what happened to me, and I swear, it's all true")
  • Harris' solution to LA gridlock - buckling up his seatbelt, and like clockwork, taking a detour through side-streets, over sidewalks, backyards and lawns, to avoid the traffic, and later, the road rage scene of firing his pistol at an aggressive water-delivery truck
  • the scene of the report LA weatherman Telemacher's "Wac-Wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!"
  • the many gags about LA's lifestyle (i.e., the Walk/Don't Walk sign that read: "Like Uh Don't Walk")
  • his amusing thought: "I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day"
  • the one-upsmanship lunch scene of ordering coffees at a trendy restaurant: (Harris: "I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon"), and an earthquake that no one paid attention to
  • the brilliantly funny cameo by Patrick Stewart as a French-accented Maitre D' ("You zink with a bank statement like zis you can have ze duck?!")
  • the classic museum scene in which Telemacher roller-skated past objets d'art, then described one painting to his friends as sexy: ("The way he's holding her. It's almost - filthy. I mean, he's, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her. Phew. Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really pretty torrid, don't you think? And of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind a doorway like they're all shocked. They wish! You know, when I see a painting like this, I get, uh, emotionally - erect") - and the painting was only a large red rectangle!
  • Harris' asking the name of carefree, playful Valley Girl airhead SanDeE*'s (Sarah Jessica Parker), and commenting on name variations: ("It's a nice name, but everybody has such weird names now, it's like Tiffany with a p-h-i, and instead of Nancy, it's Nanceen") - after spelling her name for him three times: ("big S, small a, small n, big D, small e, big E and there's a little star at the end"), she wrote it on his palm surrounded by a heart shape; and later, his reaction after touching her breasts: "SanDeE*, your... your breasts feel weird" with her unexpected reply: "Oh, that's 'cause they're real"
  • the romance between Harris and British journalist Sara McDowel (Victoria Tennant), aided by freeway signs, as Harris explained in voice-over: ("There are two events in my life that I consider to be magical, that couldn't be explained scientifically. The first of them was about to happen") -- a Freeway Condition sign (!) began to flash messages at him, and at first suspected he was being filmed, but then began to seriously take its advice about changing his life and romancing Sara: ("HIYA", "I SAID HIYA", "R U O K?", "DON'T MAKE ME WASTE LETTERS", "R.U.O.K.?", "HUG ME", "I SAID HUG ME", "I'M A SIGNPOST", "HUG ME", "PLEASE?", "THAT FELT GOOD", "I C PEOPLE N TROUBLE & I STOP THEM", "L.A. WANTS 2 HELP U", "U WILL KNOW WHAT 2 DO WHEN U UNSCRAMBLE HOW DADDY IS DOING", "IT'S A RIDDLE")

The Lady Eve (1941)

  • writer/director Preston Sturges' greatest comedy with offbeat characters and great dialogue - and its many scenes of comic erotic seduction, sexy legs, slapstick pratfalls, and witty dialogue between Jean Harrington (Barbara Stanwyck) and gullible, wealthy snake expert Charles "Hopsie" Pike (Henry Fonda)
  • specifically on a transatlantic oceanliner, resourceful, sophisticated and alluring Jean Harrington and her crooked but lovable father, Colonel Harrington (Charles Coburn), taking advantage of innocent, dense and slow-thinking, snake-loving 'Hopsie' - the wealthy heir to a brewery fortune; she sized him up as she voyeuristically watched the eligible bachelor and described what she saw through a compact make-up mirror held up to reflect the obvious and futile efforts and tricks of other amateurish debutantes and single women behind her, while she commented on Hopsie's unpreparedness and deplorable naivete: ("Not good enough...they're not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's returning to his book, he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. It won't do you any good, dear, he's a bookworm, but swing 'em anyway. Oh, now how about this one. How would you like that hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness, brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam. It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never see it...(imitating Hopsie speaking to himself) I wonder if my tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else is after me? Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make a houseful. Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore. You're leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they? Well go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see if I care")
  • after her long monologue, Jean's attempt to snare the reclusive millionaire as he walked out, by stretching out her shapely foot and ankle from under the table into his path, tripping him - and after he fell flat on his face to the floor, she complained that he had broken her shoe's heel - and forced him to accompany her to her room to replace them -- her means to get acquainted
  • the flirtatious scene in her ship's cabin after Charles escorted Jean there to try on a new pair of evening 'slippers' - when she extended her shapely leg for the fitting, he held onto her ankle and stared deeply into her eyes, while she stared back and he became overpowered by her perfume: ("You see, where I've been, I mean up the Amazon, you kind of forget how, I mean, when you haven't seen a girl in a long time. I mean, uh, there's something about that perfume that...Like it! I'm cock-eyed on it!") - she resisted him, purposely: ("Why Hopsie! You ought to be kept in a cage!")
  • the sequence of Charles' introduction of his pet snake Emma (a rare type of Brazilian glass snake) to Jean when they were outside his stateroom cabin: ("Would you care to come in... and see Emma?") - she flippantly responded: ("That's a new one, isn't it?") - and then she screamed when she saw the creature slithering around on Charles' pajamas on the bed, and rushed out of the room
  • the memorable most artful, sexually-lustful seduction scene, back in her cabin, when she leaned over and wrapped her arms around his neck, almost holding it in a vise, and began to caress his hair, face and earlobe - while his eyes sometimes closed. Jean cradled his head with her right arm, and as they talked, she nuzzled close to his cheek, tantalized him and drove him wild: ("Oh darling, hold me tight! Oh, you don't know what you've done to me"); during a lengthy conversation, with her face nestled against his, she teased and kidded with him - and tenderly and seductively stroked his cheek and fooled with his hair and ear, causing him to become paralyzed with desire; and then she described her ideal man: ("He's a little short guy with lots of money....What does it matter if he's rich? It's so he'll look up to me. So I'll be his ideal....And when he takes me out to dinner, he'll never add up the check and he won't smoke greasy cigars or use grease on his hair. And, oh yes, he, he won't do card tricks...When I marry, it's gonna be somebody I've never seen before. I mean I won't know what he looks like or where he'll come from of what he'll be. I want him to sort of - take me by surprise....And the night will be heavy with perfume. And I'll hear a step behind me and somebody breathing heavily, and then - you'd better go to bed, Hopsie. I think I can sleep peacefully now")
  • the sequence of Jean's elaborate and vengeful scam to get even by posing as her own virtuous sister: ("I've got some unfinished business with him. I need him like the axe needs the turkey") - a tricky impersonation of aristocratic, bewitching English woman, Lady Eve Sedgwick (who looked suspiciously exactly like Jean Harrington) to seduce Charles (a second time) and make him fall in love with her again - so that she could get the upper hand; Charles was completely taken aback and stunned when first introduced to Lady Eve
  • confused by Lady Eve's identity, the magnificent pratfall when Charles was distracted, and he tripped and dove right over a low sofa couch, ending up on top of a coffee table with his head in a bowl of lobster dip, as his rotund, frog-voiced father Mr. Horace Pike (Eugene Pallette) remarked: "You haven't been hitting the bottle lately, have you?"
  • their wedding night scene aboard a speeding train en route to their honeymoon - causing Pike great dismay when Lady Eve told him about all her past lovers (Angus, Herman, Vernon, Cecil, Hubert, Herbert, and John)
  • the final scene, again onboard an ocean liner, in which Jean happened to luckily meet Pike again by deliberately tripping him -- and their curtain closing revelations at her state-room cabin door - Pike: "There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It would never have happened except she looked so exactly like you. And I have no right to be in your cabin....Because I'm married" -- Jean: "But so am I, darling. So am I"
  • Pike's cynical and protective guardian/valet Muggsy (William Demarest) delivered the final line to the camera after stealthily sneaking out of their room: "Positively the same dame!"

The Ladykillers (1955, UK)

  • this "Ealing comedy" plot line - a motly group of bumbling mobsters under assumed names: (Claude (Cecil Parker), Louis (Herbert Lom), Harry (Peter Sellers) and One-Round (Danny Green)), were planning on a robbery caper of 60,000 pounds from security vehicles, led by devious, eccentric, pasty-faced and buck-toothed criminal mastermind Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness)
  • they rented an upstairs room (and pretended to be musicians in a 'string quartet' in an ongoing gag in which they camouflaged their activities by playing a gramophone) in the London house of seemingly harmless and gullible, but prim and proper landlady Mrs. Wilberforce (Katie Johnson) -- dubbed "Mrs. Lopsided" -- who proceeded to outwit and foil their plans at every step
  • the scene of the reluctant drawing of straws to decide who would be the 'ladykiller' - and Marcus' assertion: "Mrs. Wilberforce, I don't think you understand the intricacies of the situation"

A League of Their Own (1992)

  • baseball team manager Jimmy Dugan's (Tom Hanks) tirade at his female right-fielder Evelyn Gardner (Bitty Schram) for making a stupid play: "Which team do you play for?...Well, I was just wondering, 'cause I couldn't figure out why you'd throw home when we've got a two-run lead! You let the tying run get on second and we lost the lead because of you. Now you start usin' your head! That's that lump that's three feet above your ass!...Are you crying?... Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!...Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigs--t, and that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game! And did I cry?... No! No! And do you know why?... Because there's no crying in baseball! There's no crying in baseball, no crying!"

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

  • in the conclusion of this quirky, Best Picture-nominated, independent light comedy/road movie about an oddball, dysfunctional New Mexico family, 7 year-old daughter Olive (Abigail Breslin) competed in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant in Redondo Beach, California
  • the film satirically portrayed the pageant as a sexually-provocative event for the pre-pubescent contestants (who wore garish makeup, styled hair, and raunchy clothing along the lines of Jon-Benet Ramsay)
  • the other young competitors performed sexy night-club songs and dances - but the plumpish, sweet and bespectacled wannabee Olive performed an over-sexualized dance to Rick James' Superfreak, a cringe-inducing pretend striptease routine (taught to her by her rakish but loving grandfather (Oscar-winning Alan Arkin)); even though she kept her clothes on, she crawled like a cat in heat, and threw articles of clothing off the stage - horrifying the audience and repulsing the contest organizers who were forced to admit the actual sexual sub-text of their exploitative event, while family members stood and applauded her efforts

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960)

Both films (the original 1960 version and the 1986 version) had scene-stealing performances by Jack Nicholson and Bill Murray as a masochistic, pain-loving dental patient.

The highlight from the 1960 version was when undertaker Wilbur Force (Jack Nicholson) entered the dentist's office for service. [In the previous scene, Seymour Krelboyne (Jonathan Haze) had accidentally stabbed and killed the sadistic dentist, Dr. Phoebus Farb (John Shaner), when defending himself from a painful operation.] Wilbur mistook Seymour for the dentist, and claimed he was a patient who needed immediate attention for his many dental problems: "I have three or four abscesses, a touch of pyorrhea, nine or ten cavities, I lost my pivot tooth, and I'm in terrible pain." He claimed he could wait in the outer room awhile, where he giggled while reading (outloud) an article in PAIN Magazine:

The patient came to me with a large hole in his abdomen, caused by a fire poker used on him by his wife. He almost bled to death and gangrene had set in. I didn't give him much of a chance. There were other complications. The man had cancer, tuberculosis, leprosy, and a touch of the grippe. I decided to operate.

When Seymour finally ushered him in, Wilbur eagerly sat in the chair ("I'd almost rather go to the dentist than anywhere, wouldn't you?") and insisted: "Now, no novocaine. It dulls the senses." He seemed to enjoy Seymour's gallant yet incompetent drilling, shouting out: "Oh, goody, goody, here it comes! Oh my God! Don't stop now!", and he left very satisfied, but with fewer teeth after asking for some of his teeth to be extracted: ("Well, Dr. Farb, it's been quite an afternoon. I can truly say I've never enjoyed myself so much. I'll recommend you to all my friends").

Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

And in the 1986 version, dental patient Arthur Denton (Bill Murray) told sadistic, Elvis-like, motor-cycle riding and torturing dentist Orin Scrivello, DDS (Steve Martin) with gleeful, sexual anticipation: "I've been saving all month for this. I think I need a root canal. I'm sure I need a long... slow... root canal!"

After putting Denton in the chair, Scrivello surveyed his gleaming drawer of punishing-looking dentist's tools, pushed the patient down to a horizontal position and torturously warned: "Let's take a look at that mouth! Say 'Ahh!'"

Arthur delivered a long and nervous monologue about his past experiences with dentists before and during the painful procedure, sometimes with his mouth bulging with cotton: ("I went to a terrible dentist Wednesday, who was recommended to me by somebody that I saw on Monday who is the brother of a man that I usually see on Sundays. And their mother actually taught them everything that they know. She's incredibly gifted, but quite elderly. And a lot of people think she shouldn't be working. But I go to her because I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She can't really see who you are, but she knows, she knows the sound of your voice. And if you tell her where it is, the problem, she eventually works her way back and she finds the trouble and she does it. I wish I had that stamina, 'cause I can only go so long. That's how I want to be. I don't ever want to have to be just... I remember the first time I went to a dentist. I thought, 'Gosh, What a neat job! If only I were a dentist.' The dentist I went to had the greatest car. He had a Corvette. I thought, 'My gosh. Everybody calls him 'Doctor, ' and he's not really a doctor.' Oh, my God. 'If only I got out of here okay.' But then after everything was all finished, they gave me a candy bar. I thought, 'This is what I get? A candy bar?' This is what you do. You go through a little thing and get chocolate out of it. Getting to work with incredible professionals who use incredibly, incredibly wonderful equipment...Ahhh! Ahhh! Candy bar! Ohh! Candy bar! Candy bar! Gosh! Oh, God. Do it again. Oh, God, doctor. Whoo! Yeah, aw, great! Oh, you are something special. You are something special! Come on! Come on! Come on! Mm, aw, oh! Thank you! Oh, yeah, thank you! Oh, my God. It's your professionalism that I respect. Oh, God! Don't stop, doc! Don't stop! Come on! More! Yeah! Yeah, come on! Yeah!...")

He screamed out in orgasmic ecstasy as his mouth was being drilled -- but then the dentist suddenly ordered him out of the chair and office, calling him a "god-damn sicko!"

Lost in America (1985)

  • the early scene of neurotic adman David Howard's (writer/director Albert Brooks) last day at work when he had a long telephone conversation with Mercedes dealer Hans (Hans Wagner) about buying one of the luxury vehicles; when negotiating about the total price, the dealer replied that everything was included in the price ($44,420), and he would have to add only one thing: "Just leather, that's all you'd have to add, nothing else"; David was astounded: "Really?...It doesn't come with leather?" - the dealer specified: "It's what they call Mercedes leather"; David asked about the inferior leather: "What would that be?" - and he was told: "It's a very thick vinyl, a beautiful seat"
  • the scene of David's firing in executive Paul Dunn's (Michael Greene) office, after eight years of service, when he was offered a transfer to New York rather than a promotion to the position of senior vice-president, and he refused to take no for an answer; when his boss tried to reason with him: "Look, I know you're upset, and I can appreciate it. And I'm gonna forget what you said a few minutes ago. I'm sure you don't want to blow eight years with this company" - David audaciously replied: ("F--k you!); the boss simply answered: "David, you're fired!"; David went on a rampage: ("Fired? Oh, I'm fired! Oh, this is great. How dare you? I want my eight years back! I've wasted my youth for you. I'm wasted! I'm over. Come on. I want 'em back! I'm gonna stand in this office until you give them back to me! Better than that, I'm gonna start taking things home with me. I want your clock, right behind you. Give me that clock!")
  • the sequence of David's conversation immediately after with ditzy wife Linda (Julie Hagerty) about his firing, and his urging of her to quit her job too: ("Quit your job...I did, you do it!...Well, I didn't really quit, but I got fired but it was the same thing. Linda, you were right! No more 'Responsible David'. I'm free. I was responsibly blind, honey. I was a dead man...I'm giving you credit for saving my life.....Linda, they were jacking me off. I was on the road to nowhere. Do you know the road? It's a nowhere road. It goes nowhere! You're on it! You don't know it? It's a nowhere road. It just goes around in a circle. It's the carrot on the stick, and the watch when you're 70")
  • the upwardly mobile, workaholic couple's dropping out of society after selling their house, and combining their assets to create a comfortable 'nest-egg' of $100,000; and their free-spirited drive out of Los Angeles to Las Vegas in a recreational vehicle Winnebago for a road trip, while David chowed-down on a micro-waved melted cheese sandwich: ("The further we get from LA, the better it tastes") - and his nervousness about their plan to remarry: ("I'm nervous, but I can't wait to marry you....Clara says that the Silver Bell Chapel is the cutest one...We'll get there at 10:30, do it, and then we're on our way. Las Vegas here we come!")
  • the sequence of Linda's disastrous night-long experience at a roulette table in Las Vegas' Desert Inn casino (gambling on # 22: "Twenty-two, twenty-two, come on back to me, come on back to me!") when she had gambled away their nest-egg - to David's dismay: ("Say it! Say it! Say 'I lost the nest-egg.' Go on, say it!")
  • David's painful begging and unconvincing proposal to the casino manager (Garry Marshall) to get their money back: ("As the boldest experiment in advertising history, you give us our money back....Give us our money back. Think of the publicity...You gave my wife and I our money back because you reviewed our situation, and you realized that we dropped out of society, and we, we, we weren't just gamblers. And we made a mistake and you gave our money back. Do you know -- you couldn't get a room in this place in ten years....You keep all the money. It's just that, that that my wife and I aren't gamblers. That's what I'm saying. That's the distinction....We represent the people who have taken the chance and we made a mistake. And the Desert Inn corrects it and gives it back. There's a warm feeling here...In the campaign, you make a clear distinction between the bold - who would be my wife and I - and then all the other schmucks who come here to see Wayne Newton....This costs you nothing. To give us our money back is nothing. You would be the one who would benefit")
  • the central scene of the couple's complete and utter meltdown and self-destruction at the Hoover Dam, when they both stood on the edge of the railing looking down, and David suggested: ("Nice dam, huh? Do you want to go first, or should I?") - and then he ranted and raved at her about their impoverishment: ("You took my nest-egg and you broke it all over the Desert Inn. You filled up the casino with yolk....I was sleeping....Don't treat me like I'm an insane patient, please! ...Out here? Out where? We live here. Get used to the cement, honey. This is our house, forever! This is it. We found ourselves. Boy, did we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere, with nothing!")
  • inside the recreational vehicle, David's lengthy description of the concept of the sacred 'nest-egg' to Linda: ("Oh, God. I guess this was my fault. That's what I'm thinking. Maybe I just didn't explain the nest egg well enough. If you had understood, you know, it's a very sacred thing, the nest egg, and if you'd understood the Nest Egg Principle, as we will now call it, in the first of many lectures that you will have to get, because if we are to ever acquire another nest egg, we both have to understand what it means. The egg is a protector, like a god, and we sit under the nest egg, and we are protected by it. Without it? No protection! Want me to go on? It pours rain. Hey, the rain drops on the egg and falls off the side. Without the egg? Wet! It's over. But you didn't understand it and that's why we're where we are"); Linda briefly responded: ("I understood the nest egg"); David continued: ("Oh, please. Do me a favor. Don't use the word. You may not use that word. It's off limits to you! Only those in this house who understand nest egg may use it! And don't use any part of it, either. Don't use 'nest.' Don't use 'egg.' You're out in the forest you can point: 'The bird lives in a round stick.' And, and, and you have things over easy with toast!")
  • David's interview with an employment agency in a small Arizona town for a job, when the obnoxious counselor reminded him he had already been fired from a high-paying $100,000 job, and that he wouldn't be interested in a lowly job: ("You couldn't change your life on a $100 thousand dollars?...What I do have, you wouldn't be interested in....Coming from your position and your salary you wouldn't be interested in it"); when David asked about the salary, the counselor joked: ("A hundred thousand dollars!...It pays $5.50 an hour plus benefits"); David persisted, asking about the existence of "a box of higher-paying jobs," when the counselor sarcastically replied: ("Oh, I know, you mean the $100,000 box!")
  • the last view of David working as a school crossing guard and being taunted by obnoxious school kids on bikes

Love and Death (1975)

  • the many one-liners, long-winded double-talk conversations and gag scenes that spoofed classic Russian literature and films
  • the dialogue between twice-removed cousin Sonja (Diane Keaton) and Russian soldier Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen) about her love for Ivan (Henry Czarniak): "Ever since you and I were little children, I've been in love with your brother lvan...He has true animal magnetism....He kissed me...It warmed the cockles of my heart"; Boris quipped: "Great. Nothing like hot cockles"
  • pacifist and cowardly Boris' reaction to his mother (Despo Diamantidou) urging his participation in war: "He'll go and he'll fight. And I hope they will put him in the front lines" -- he addressed the camera: "Thanks a lot, Mum. My mother, folks"
  • the bedroom scene of recently-widowed and nymphomaniacal Countess Alexandrovna (Olga Georges-Picot) meeting Boris for a midnight tryst wearing skimpy lingerie: (Alexandrovna: "How do you like it?" Boris: "Well, I'd prefer something sexy..." Alexandrovna: "Would you like some wine, something to put you in the mood?" Boris: "Oh, I've been in the mood since the late 1700s." Alexandrovna: "You're disgusting but I love you." Boris: "Well, my disgustingness is my best feature"); since being at the front, it had been two years since Boris made love; after sex with her, the room looked ransacked, and she told him: "You're the greatest lover I've ever had," and he replied: "Well, I practice alot when I'm alone"
  • the scene of Boris (posing as Don Francisco) meeting Napoleon (James Tolkan), and their repeated lines of respect: "No, it's a greater honor for me"
  • Boris' long-winded syllogism monologue delivered to the camera after knocking out Napoleon and looking at him unconscious on the floor: ("Look at him. If I don't kill him, he'll make war all through Europe. But murder? What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together on Crete for the summer. (a) Socrates is a man. (b) All men are mortal. (c) All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. Once, some Cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. But, uh, you know, some men are heterosexual, and some men are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. You know, they become lawyers"
  • Boris' execution scene when he bravely and cheerfully taunted his firing squad executioners: ("You guys are late. I've been waitin' here since 6:30....You know how it is when you're extra brave. Probably not. Busy day, huh? Are you guys havin' a sale? No blindfold. That's for losers. I like to see where the bullet hits. I learned that during the war. I was decorated, you know, yeah! Wonder what the emperor's doing today?...You guys wanna move a little closer? You don't wanna miss, you know. Looks bad on the report....Boy, the emperor's really cutting it close. What a flair for the dramatic, that old slyboots")
  • the lengthy and confused diatribe about relationships described to Sonja (Diane Keaton) by her cousin Natasha (Jessica Harper): ("It's a very complicated situation, cousin Sonja. I'm in love with Alexei. He loves Alicia. Alicia's having an affair with Lev. Lev loves Tatiana. Tatiana loves Simkin. Simkin loves me. I love Simkin, but in a different way than Alexei. Alexei loves Tatiana like a sister. Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian like a brother. Trigorian's brother is having an affair with my sister, who he likes physically, but not spiritually...The firm of Mishkin and Mishkin is sleeping with the firm of Taskov and Taskov"); Sonja responded with a further convoluted suggestion: ("Natasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down"); Natasha ended the conversation abruptly: "I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced"

Love Happy (1949)

  • in this anarchic comedy, Detective Sam Grunion's (Groucho Marx) beautiful blonde client (Marilyn Monroe in a small but early memorable walk-on role), who made a dramatic entrance into Grunion's Detective Agency, while Sam held the door open
  • after she sashayed into the office, Sam asked: "Is there anything I can do for ya?" - followed by a pause, reflection, a glance at the audience, and then an aside: "What a ridiculous statement!"; she put her hand on his right shoulder and responded: "Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me"; Grunion was cooperative: "What seems to be the trouble?"; she told him: "Some men are following me," after which he replied: "Really? I can't understand why" - and then rolled his eyes; he volunteered to accompany her to the bus station when she was asked to leave: "I'll take ya down to the bus station. Oh, if I'm not back tonight, go ahead without me. That's been the history of all my romances"

Lust in the Dust (1985)

  • the opening 'voice-over narration of this excessively-campy cult, tasteless Western comedy spoof: "Our passions are like fire and water - good servants but poor masters. The legend of Chile Verde tells of men and women who became slaves to their passions. They paid the price here under the blistering, burning, blazing, scorching, roasting, toasting, baking, boiling, broiling, steaming, searing, sizzling, grilling, smoldering, VERY HOT New Mexico sun. For there is a saying in these parts: Those who lust in the dust shall die in the dust" [the title of the film was inspired by the nickname given to Selznick's Duel in the Sun (1946)]
  • the scene of the entrance (on a mule) in the mid-1880s of corpulent, black-wigged, saloon dance-hall girl Rosie Valez (transvestite Divine, aka Glenn Milstead) in a Mexican peasant skirt with a dilapidated parasol, who was lost and dying of thirst in the barren New Mexico desert until she came upon a body of water oasis and went swimming; she was spied upon by an unidentified, Clint Eastwood-like silent lone gunman (Abel Wood (Tab Hunter)); she challenged him: "What do you want? It's me, isn't it? You're going to take advantage of me, you're going to have your filthy way with me under the hot desert sun, aren't you? You're going to ravage me like I've never been ravaged before. Your hot sweat sliding over my body as we roll in the dust. Oh, as you violate my inner-most parts, as you pound against me in the most orgasmic, animal passion - Oh, God, you're disgusting"; after inspecting her underclothes, the gunman shot a buzzard for her to eat before riding off
  • she followed after him, but found herself confronted by a gang of "horny as jackrabbits" outlaws led by Hard Case Williams (Geoffrey Lewis); Rosie was stripped of her blouse - and before she was defiled, she claimed: "No! Stop! Wait! I'm" - Hard Case replied: "A virgin, really? That DOES make a difference. Then I'LL go first. I've had carnal knowledge of 215 women and two goats...but none of them have ever made me sneeze before"; allergic to her perfume, he passed off his manly duties to his gang, who were soon exhausted and satiated ("What a bunch of deadbeats!"); before escaping the gang, she accidentally crushed the neck of the midget gang member Clarence (Daniel Frishman) who was providing her with oral sex between her thighs

Rosie Valez (Divine)

Abel Wood (Tab Hunter)

Rosie Stripped
  • Rosie and Abel entered the town of Chile Verde and its saloon-brothel, owned by lusty Marguerita Ventura (Lainie Kazan); she made a dramatic appearance at the door to the saloon with a shotgun aimed at Abel: "Freeze, hombre. Or I'll be wearing your asshole for a garter" - she looked him up and down and then remarked: "Nice pair of jingle-bobs" (spurs); she identified her name to Rosie: "The customers call me 'Marguerita'. The territory calls me 'Marguerita'. My real close friends call me 'Miss Ventura'"
  • other characters included: Bernardo (Henry Silva) - Marguerita's Latino bartender-lover, the saloon's two hookers: (1) sexy Ninfa (Gina Gallego), and (2) Big Ed (Nedra Volz) - a tiny, elderly fragile lady whose only dream was to get to Abilene, and Father Garcia (Cesar Romero)

Ninfa to Abel: "Do you like what you see, senor? I'm the best French-kisser in Chile Verde"

Big Ed (Nedra Volz)

with Bernardo
  • the scene of Marguerita stripping down and joining Abel (with only his boots on) for sex in the makeshift outdoor shower
  • the main goal of the outlaws was to locate hidden gold treasure, described by Father Garcia: ("The legend of the gold keeps this town alive. That is why they are all here. These are ruthless men - and women"); the secret of the gold was found in a limerick puzzle: ("There was a young fellow from Scotland / Who robbed the New Mexico hotland / In a grave situation / Two butes his salvation / He buried the gold / But in what land?")
  • after Bernardo's murder by Abel (almost hanged by a mob), Marguerita's performance of a bawdy, euphemism-filled song "South of My Border" to Abel in the saloon: ("Let me take you south of my border / Just north of my garter / Where everything's on order for you / Where it's sweet like a potion / Feel the heat, feel the motion / Marguerita's hot from head to her shoe /...") - saloon rival Rosie briefly retorted with her own version of one line of the song: ("Let her take you south of her border / If you think you can afford her")
  • the scene of Big Ed untying naked Hard Case from a headboard, and noting his impressive "early morning" stimulated state: "Oh, my goodness!"; when he responded: "Lady, this is no time to be pointing an accusing finger," she quipped: "At least it's only my finger that's pointing!"
(l to r): Rosie's and Marguerita's Butts Revealing A Map of Scotland
and Location of the Gold in Bute Hills, NM
  • the revelation that the gold treasure map was tattooed in two half-sections on the separate ample rear-ends of Rosie and Marguerita - it was a map of Scotland marked "BU - TE" - Rosie figured out the puzzle: "Cactus Kaplan's Grave!" (briefly passed by Rosie in the opening sequence) - (Abel explained the puzzle: "Two Butes, One in Scotland, the Other One Here! Or Two Beauties - the Ladies")
  • the concluding three-way Mexican standoff shoot-out between Hard Case Williams, Wood, and Rosie and Marguerita (teamed up together), to get the gold (robbed from the Las Cruces Bank years earlier) - buried next to Cactus Kaplan's Grave in Bute Hills, N.M.; Rosie used her thighs to grip the treasure box and open it; Father Garcia then appeared and revealed that Cactus Kaplan was the father of both Rosie and Marguerita: ("He devised the limerick - and he put the last, the vital clue, on his infant daughters. He wanted you sisters to have the gold...You girls were brought up by separate foster families") - but then, he went crazy and was shot dead by the others (Hard Case: "If there's one thing I hate, it's a pushy priest!"); next to be shot dead was Hard Case, followed by Marguerita who was mercilessly killed by a spiteful Rosie for bragging about making love with Abel: "When we made love, it was fireworks exploding - big long roman candles shootin' off inside me...we did it in the shower"
  • in the surprise conclusion, from a cliff-top, Big Ed shot Rosie and saved Abel, and the two rode off to Abilene; Rosie survived the shooting, but appeared to commit suicide (a gun-shot was heard off-screen) when she commiserated that Abel had deserted her ("What the use?"); in the ending spoof of Gone with the Wind (1939), Rosie greedily chomped down on a buzzard she had shot and roasted, and mused: "Oh well, maybe he'll be back tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day"

Rosie with Abel

Marguerita: "Freeze, hombre!"

"Nice pair of jingle-bobs"

"My real close friends call me 'Miss Ventura'"

Shower Scene

Abel Saved From Hanging

Marguerita's Song: "South of the Border"

Big Ed Noting Hard Case's Erection

Cactus Kaplan's Tombstone in Bute Hills, N.M.

The Mexican Stand-off at the Gravesite

Father Garcia's Revelation That Bank Robber Cactus Kaplan Was the Father of Rosie and Marguerita

Ending: Rosie Eating A Buzzard: "After all, tomorrow is another day"

Greatest Funniest Movie Moments and Scenes
(alphabetical order, by film title)
Intro | A1 | A2 | B1 | B2 | C1 | C2 | D1 | D2 | E | F | G | H-I | J-K-L
M1 | M2 | N-O | P1 | P2 | Q-R | S1 | S2 | T | U-V-W-X-Y-Z

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